I thought I might present some cases from my files over the next year as a way of stretching that old brain matter. Hopefully they will be interesting and are intended to expand on what goes on in people’s minds at times. In these cases while they may seem a little odd at times, there is a good learning lesson which can be applied to our lives.
You are definitely encouraged to comment and throw some ideas around and if appropriate I might give further hints there. The following occurs intermittingly in therapy, so it’s not a commonality, but by the same token is not so uncommon that the cases could be classified as outliers. As this also occurred in my life a few times, it was an interesting insight to gain eventually. The pattern is as follows:
The relationship has formally ended but the people involved keep seeing each other for a period after. Eventually the relationship ends for real in that there is no contact and typically it’s the person who initiated the breakup that cuts the relationship off. However, while there is still contact for a sometime, there are usually with sporadic sexual relations and usually the contact occurs under the guise of friendship. Gender is not an issue as I have seen it work both ways.
What will happen is one partner (the person who ended the relationship) will start to become distraught and cry, but will withhold what they are crying over. No amount of pleading, asking about what is wrong sees an answer forthcoming. The person who is distraught really does not want to talk about it at all. This only occurs once and it seems a huge deal at the time as the person really seems on the verge of a breakdown.
The distinctive feature here is how distraught the person is. They are crying and wanting to be held and comforted in the main.
The person on the other end, typically feels confused and naturally enough is worried. They will be searching for a reason as to why their former lovers (with whom they are still in love with) are so distraught. Nonetheless, generally they are supportive of the other person. This supporting aspect is a feature of the past relationship, where the person who is distraught generally feels comfortable and supported by their partner.
The sequence then is, the relationship is kind of ended. There is a period of continued contact. Out of the blue the person who ended the relationship becomes mysteriously distraught as a one off thing. The relationship ends for real in that there is no longer contact. The person who was dumped does not typically know why the other person became distraught, but it sticks in mind as a pivotal incident, even though it remains unexplained and mysterious.
This is a pattern which occurs for some people. What I mean by that is when it occurs it typically occurs at least a few times in a persons life all with the same result as in ending in a mystery. It is also different people, in different relationships, yet the reason for the behavior is consistent.
Ok so why was the person being distraught and looking for support, but never discloses what has upset them?
See how you go with that and I will post what occurs in a couple of days’ time.
What comes to mind at the moment is their mind wants the suffering to survive as the ego, so I guess the unconscious doesn’t want the person to become aware of what upset them?
Or….. maybe the person “knows” it’s in their best interest they aren’t together anymore, but still misses the other person, and judges themselves as “bad” for still wanting to have some type of relationship with the other person when they know it isn’t good? They judge themselves for having done something “wrong” by getting back together with the person they broke up with, and since they still feel they’d like a relationship of some sort and think that’s wrong, they don’t want to admit that in fear of being judged…
Those are my guesses
I am guessing that the people who broke up the relationship are dealing with the guilt of hurting their former lovers, and as a way of demonstrating that they are not cold, heartless monsters for suddenly slamming the door on their partners and shoving them out of their lives, they display their own hurt as a way of putting themselves on the same level as the ones they hurt (“See, I am human, too, and this hurts me just as much as it does you.”).
As for the non-disclosure, how could they possibly admit to their true motives?
Very good guesses I have to say. Both of you are close to it, but not quite it as yet.
This happened with an ex-girlfriend of mine — at the time it seemed to me as though her rational mind wanted to move on with her life, but her “animal self” was still pulling her toward me. I had to comfort her when she was the one who had just done *severe* emotional damage to me, and it was a brief experience of role-reversal. It gave me some false hope, because her crying seemed to indicate that she still had strong feelings for me.
During that episode she also apologized for “being a weirdo.” Maybe she had miscalculated her feelings for me, or wasn’t fully aware of their depth, and upon going through with the act of breaking up, she became aware of it, which caused her to lose her footing.
i suspect it’s grief. Some potentialy beautiful expectation of fullfillment in the mind of the griever died.
People are circling around this, very close! I would just like a few more specifics rather than leaving at a general level. I will give what seems to occur in those situations in a day or two.
Perhaps it is to create a reaction from the ex-partner. If the ex-partner cares, it is taken as proof that he/she still loves the other. Yet this need for significance is an inner problem and can never be fulfilled by an outside person. So after a few rounds the relationship ends for good.
If I had to guess it seems the person who is crying is doing so both as a release from the mixed emotions they have and as a form of attention. We cling to things in life, and have a hard time moving forward on most anything, even if we consciously know it is bad for us. This person, whether male or female, is most likely feeling a mix of guilt, grief, and joy/release from the entire experience. Additionally, since the couple was sexual, this complicates things further. Sharing an intimate bond with someone is never an easy thing to break off. The person may try to use sex as both a release and as a way to reconnect. Ultimately, the way I see it is this: The person breaking things off wants to move on, but their ego does not like that feeling of losing control…of emptiness. Filling the space up with anything, even if it is wrong, is better than feeling that. Yet, we all have to deal with that emptiness. It is no wonder there is random crying. With such a complicated mix of emotions, would not you cry too?
I would say something like what’s been mentioned above; By being upset, knowing that the relationship is coming to an end, the person gets the partner involved in the eventual break-up. the partner thus carries some of the load of having to end the whole thing.
I’d echo what others said: maybe the upset person is partly upset that something is ending, and partly over-acting because they want to not feel like a bad person being “cold” while the other suffers for “love”.
Also: can you really be so sure what motivates people? Is there such a clear “right” answer, like this is a math problem?
Just to answer part of your question Rob. We can be sure what motivates people in most instances and on an individual level. In this case this is a theme which holds true in general, but there will always, always be exceptions to the themes.
This might be a better way to think about your question Rob. Can you discern what motivates you? It might be difficult at times, but most of the time we can discern what motivates us. The same applies to others behaviors, we can discern, often far more accurately than the person themselves (think unconscious resistances). But we cannot say everyone behaves and are motivated by exactly the same thing.
I will fill everyone in after I had a good nights sleep, thanks for the comments and guesses, most were really close and some good points raised.